Going Softly
by JadziaKathryn
Summary: T'Pol thinks back on her life and her one regret as she is dying.


Disclaimer: I haven't been able to purchase the rights since the last time I posted. Paramount still owns them all.

Many thanks to Candace (mccool21) for helping me in my efforts to format my stories so they are readable. I never would've figured it out by myself!

GOING SOFTLY

T'Pol of Vulcan was near her death, and the fact was well-known. She had returned to her home planet after her husband's death, and to all others it seemed as though she had put her past with humans behind her. In the decades since she had returned, she meditated and, when she was with others, was coolly logical, like every other Vulcan. Her _katra_ might find peace after all.

Yet T'Pol had never felt more human in her life. She was jealous. After Trip's death, she had returned to Vulcan, an outcast. Of course, not one person every treated her differently, but it was well-known that she was different. She had married a human, and a very emotional one at that. She appeared to become immersed in Vulcan life again, but in reality she was living in memories. Memories of the days on _Enterprise_, memories of the many happy years she had spent with Trip; the past was of more interest to her than the present. So it was with no regret that T'Pol learned she was dying. Then she had heard the news that made her jealous, and reminded her of the one real regret she had.

Spock, son of Sarek, had been born. 

She and Trip had been to every specialist on Earth and Vulcan, and many elsewhere. They were always told the same thing: Vulcan and human physiologies were too different. It would be impossible to have a child. She allowed only her husband to she how much this hurt her. To others, she accepted the news with Vulcan ease. Privately, the news gave her sorrow.

"There will be no Charles Tucker IV." She had told Trip, leaning against his solid, comforting body. She had long ago agreed to call him Trip, and it no longer felt awkward.

"It's too long a name anyhow," he'd replied, trying to make her feel better.

"I have failed you as a wife. If you wish to end our marriage, it would be within your right to do so." This was an ancient Vulcan and human practice, not used at all, but she loved Trip too much to deny him happiness.

He had turned her around, looked into her eyes, and taken a deep breath. Perhaps this was when he had realized the extent to which the impossibility of a child bothered her. "Look at me, T'Pol. You haven't failed me. It ain't your fault. I love you. I would've liked to've had a couple of kids, but you mean more to me than anythin'." He had smoothed her hair, then run his fingers across the points of her ears. "You're more'n the universe to me."

"Many Vulcans believe that marrying you was a error."

"You're the only Vulcan whose opinion means anythin' to me."

"I have never regretted the decision."

"Good."

It was then that T'Pol realized she had never once told her husband she loved him. He knew, of course, but she had never said the words aloud.

"I love you, Trip." 

Then he had taken her in his arms and carried her to their room. "I know, T'Pol."

The arrival of the doctor interrupted her memories, but after he left, T'Pol allowed herself to resume thinking and yes, feeling. She was jealous because medical technology had allowed Sarek and his human wife, Amanda, to have a child. 

Her marriage to Trip, though unconventional, was a happy one. They completed each other. When he died, T'Pol had felt such grief that she was unable to remain on Earth. She had returned to Vulcan, but found that she had no future there. She was past her prime and had no desire to marry again even if she had found a willing male. Her knowledge as a scientist was out of date. There were many schools that would have offered her a position as a history teacher had she shown interest, but after all the years, memories, and emotions, she could not bear to teach her life as history, as though it was nothing but another person's world. For though by human standards she was cold and reserved, to Vulcans T'Pol was emotional, and those emotions would not allow her to take a teaching position.

So she had bought a house on Vulcan. It was the same house that she and Trip had once considered before deciding to live on Earth. Here she could remember Trip without the pain of losing him becoming unbearable, and for a Vulcan, uncontrollable. She had a garden and her memories, was rarely disturbed, and it was in that manner that she intended to live out the rest of her life. 

Just before she died, however, she had heard of Spock, and all the pain of years, decades gone by came back to her. The doctor attributed her increased emotions to her failing health. T'Pol knew that her mental health was not failing as fast as her physical health. She was jealous, and it was from her heart, not delusions brought on by impending death.

She wanted to hold a child in her arms, and have Trip beside her as the proud father. She wanted to see that it had her own dark hair but Trip's eyes. It was not possible, and it seemed like a lifetime ago she had resigned herself to that fact. 

Things had been different then. Trip had been there to comfort her, and love her without reservation. Then, it had been the lack of medical technology, but now it was the lack of parents. Trip had been dead for decades, and she was near death herself.

She knew that a boy would've been Charles Tucker IV. What might they have named a girl? As a young girl, she had liked the name T'Lara, and for a while she had wished that it was her own name. Perhaps they would have named a girl Lara. 

The doctor had told her to call him if she felt death coming closer, but she found that she did not want to. Trip was waiting for her, in that final unknown that humans called death. 

Some humans believed in a place called Heaven. T'Pol thought that in such a perfect place, she and Trip might be together forever, and that they would have children. 

Trip had not been scared when he died. She had been there by his side, and he said that with her by his side, not even death could scare him. Now she felt that he was waiting for her. In a different way, he was with her when she died. She was not afraid, and did not resist death.


End file.
